I hear:
... now, so when you don't have one it'll be cool.

Childhood-Story:

1948 Vivid knock down.

Don't remember why.

My mom is standing in the living room yelling at me.

I rush and push her down on the floor.

She looks up sad.

I run to my bed and cry.

'Childhood' story:
The last time I saw my father

January '70 my Opening at Reese-Paley in SF

He drives from Carmel Valley drunk

Looks around

Cries

Drives home drunk.

I hear:
She had a really nice day ... walked around ...

 

Edith .Thacher .Dane
1913 - 2002
OVS-KBS-Vassar, BA Science, then:
(beloved-uncle-yale-doc-dick-preserver):
"Edith, you (woman) can't be a Doctor" !
So:
Teacher!
Primary Care Giver!
Lab Tech!
Social Activist!!
Justice Seeker Always!!!
Do Your Best - Give Back.
Thank You .Mom ..Love .Bill
And this is only the ending:
The Tell-Tale-Son:
All of a sudden Edie
decided to leave Sierra Madre.
Within three months She, Nancy, Frank and I had
found Willow Glen Villa in San Jose, sold the house,
packed her up, and physically moved everything.
It took two extra trips in my wagon to bring all her plants.
We photographed Mom's living room, (etc) so we could
carefully reconstruct her 7' x 12' display shelves -
a collection of objects: travels, gifts, oddities -
in her new, one bedroom apartment. Frank rebuilt it again
in her 'assisted living' apartment.
Then again when we moved Mom to Nancy's.
Her favorite "stuff" went with her, as it had since childhood.
'Hospice Week' at Nancy's house Mom lived in her room
surrounded with 'furnishings' which had been within
feet of her self, as far back as we could remember.Edie died very quietly right there with.
It was just getting dark June 23rd 2002

Edie's Last Days:
I take Mom to Kaiser for "Evaluation".
She moves around - reality wise - not too far out.
Her Doctor, sweet voice for seniors I gather,"Hello Mrs. Dane. Can you tell me who you are ?"
Edie, in her most cultured tone with tightened jaw,"You know perfectly well who I am, and so do I."

Edie's Last Days:
Mom has a double room at Kaiser.
Curtain, and older couple's voices, next bed over.
They've been arguing about the wife going home, etc !
Edie is in and out - stream of consciousness mumblings.
(It was always entertaining and cried out for 'sense making')
She suddenly sits shot up straight, and in loud and no uncertain terms,"For God's sake take her home.
Can't you see she wants to go home"

Edie's Last Days:
Mom has been at Kaiser for 10 days.
Today is "Decision Day". Edie has to move on.
Her Doctors must recommend her next placement.
They've tried Meds and Talk and Scans = fuzzy picture !
Her Doctors want Kaiser to pay for her to go to Rehab.
She must pass a "Mobility Exam" - Mind and Body !
In comes the 'brand new', really young, testing "Therapist".
Sweetest high voice, for elders I gather, "Good morning Edie.
Now, You have to do what I ask so you'll get that wonderful new
placement. Let's sit up. Up we go, Edie. Now let's just swing
your legs over the edge of the bed. Here we go. Try to do it all
by yourself, Edie". At this point Mom grasps her arm tight.
In a perfectly articulated, tight jawed, patrician tone,"You may try to get me to do anything you want, Dear.
It will not work. I died at ten o'clock this morning".

2010 Health Care:
Screaming - pointing - swearing - spitting into Other faces;
Fellow citizens who themselves would suffer without Medicare and
the other patched together Government Health Care they're trashing.
Never mind their bibles and 'right-to-certain-kinds-of-life' stuff.

RACE and CLASS
OUR MOST CRUCIAL BUSINESS

I hear:
Please hang on !

Childhood-Story:
1964 Not working
We have jobs at SKS Die Casting.
Black, Willie Goodjoint, 63, my casting machine leader.
Black, William Jones, 25, factory custodian.
White, Bill Dane, 25, grunt n gofer.
We eat lunch and talk together for 3 months.
Brown-bag sitting on 4th Street.
Luckily, Willie keeps his job.
William and I are laid off.
We visit each other's apartments twice.
In downtown Oakland with a wife and two daughters.
In Richmond with a wife and a painting space.
We're both smart enough. . We use our words.
We can feel what's coming. . We're not super-stars.

The .PHOTO ALBUM

Childhood-Story:

1944 1st grade Mrs. Marchand

Perfect rows. Facing teacher, I'm far right in back.

Raise my hand to go to the bathroom. "Not now, Billy".

Three more times, "Not now, Billy !""Not Now, Billy !!""NOT NOW, BILLY !!!"

I feel the warm running over my legs. Wet pants. Big puddle.

I leave the room.. Can't remember coming back.

I read Janet's "Staircase of Roots" again
suspended reality and wrote this:
She greets Ess, "Sweetheart"all the time
I feel a mixed thing
jealous..good . fun
"Sweetheart", I text Nancy
why not sooner
Standing right here with Her
"Sweetheart", I try out loud
once . in fun

Childhood-Story:
1950s "Don't pooh-pooh The Groo"From the daily back n forth of our '50s 'crew'.
I don't remember anyone ever identifying"The Groo".

BILL MOYERS JOURNAL
Derivatives, etc ...
We're cooked pawns

I hear:
... you're gonna need a bucket an' a mop ...

TOD PAPAGEORGE Lecture at ICP

Childhood-Story:

1947

Donnie Goode eats worms.

Once, I ask him to do it.

He does. . I'm heart-sick. . Never again.

POETRY
Janet Winans' book
"STAIRCASE OF ROOTS"
Off The Grid Press
My cover

JAY SMOOTH in NYC "illdoctrine1" aka "nildoctrine"

Childhood-Story:

1949 "The Spanking"

Can't remember what I did.

He tells me to lie on my bed.

Picks the bench up over his head.

Hits me three times on my butt.

I call him a bastard and try squeezing-hard not to cry.

Today is Monday, September 29, 2009
Nick and I really ''finished'' the Website
Let down comin' ?!.
We'll just ease on down the line . . .
and go tweak it again

I hear:

Your group could start on the top floor

and my group could start on the bottom, ..or. ...

Vietnam and into our future:
No Draft = More Wars.
Ironic.
Norman Mailer knew it then !

Warning!
The .BILL VIDEOS

I hear:... He thought it was a little bit mo' down than it was ...

I hear:
You're makin' me hit people with this

Childhood-Story:

1940s SilverPines Camp and Sleep-Overs

It's not fun if you wet your bed.

Camp, at night and in the morning, goes real badly.

Cabin-Buddy. Heine Kuechler's compassion saves two summers:

"Don't worry, Billy.. We'll just hang it up to dry"

And we hang it up a lot.
In 7th grade I stay awake all night at Cutler's to escape the demon.

The father leaves our house - the demon goes with.

I hear:
... Pretty soon there 'r frogs everywhere ...

Childhood-Story:

1945 Frankie's Accident

I'm playing in the backyard.

Frank is 5, takes my bike and rides off around the corner.

People are yelling and hollering.

We run down the block to find him lying in the street.

All our neighbors are there.

My father screams at me , "Go home Billy. Go home. Get out of here."

Two weeks later Frank comes out of the coma.

I teach him how to walk and talk again.

I don't remember the father being there.

I hear:
... she has a 2 year old biting, biting, biting
the shit out of his big sister ...

Childhood-Story:
1938-2010
I stop wetting my bed the day he leaves for sure.
He has another family and a daughter.I am "estranged" from my father real early.Why else do I block, put-out-of-my-mind
and find stored way beyond everyday retrieving
the fact that my half sister Sarah is murdered.

BECKETT:

" ... after long vain reckonings the head falls back among the data."

from "Mercier and Camier"

Childhood-Story:

1944 Turf stuff

We chase a kid who bikes into our neighborhood.

He's riding frantically fast - hit by a car at the corner - broken leg.

I meet him later in the year, by accident, and apologize.

I hear:
Stand back, Sweetie. I can't see the ...

Childhood-Story:"The fickle finger of fate
The moving finger writes
And having writ moves on"Our wee boy band of jr high friends
starts saying this to each other in 1950
when life deals us a perceived shit blow.

+- 2009, college and care.
I'm suffering from "Early Onset Parsimony", see:
"Contagious ! The Common Man's College Loan & Health Care Syndromes, Etc !"
Not covered by this criminal nation's non systems for citizen care.
Puke at will !

I watch:
OK. Right here. Now, spin to your left.
There. Now, step back. Good.
Now, sit down next to this beautiful person.
(Smiling - Laughter)

The Sickened:
We think and feel about it more and less.U.S.A. Citizens' Health Care Is SiCKO!
Obama - Doctor Fresh Air - a chance to get better ?!
BUT! Our consciousness, will, power. to move beyond
corporate fascism to Single Payer and Civilization ?! Sad !
Lucky! Our family has a real costly health plan for: babies, hernias,
new hip, colonoscopies, hamartoma, melanoma and on it will go.
We think and feel more and less - about class and money
and luck and entitlement - about empathy.There are people working to change this.
There are also people who say they are not naive.
They tell us this is how it is and was everywhere and forever.
Looking at my images after photo hunting and gathering I know
stuff is always close by; health - housing - sex - war - greed -
injustice and on it goes .....
Good luck to all of us, Bill

Backyard-Visitors:
Friends, Hummingbirds, Chickadees, Titmice, Nuthatches, Sparrows, Finches, Towhees, Woodpeckers, (an occasional Peckerwood) , Doves, Crows (Moses says they're Ravens), Flycatchers, a Jay, Squirrels, Raccoon families - we have 4 feeders, 2 baths, 9 trees: Princess 'Bush', Weeping River Wattle, Himalayan Birch, Strawberry Tree, Norfolk Pine, Japanese Coral Bark Maple, Canary Island Pine, Brazilian Pepper, Roscoe Maple, half a Bottle Brush, bamboo, vines, Edie succulents, all Nancy's succulents-plants-flowers . +

I hear:
... sex ? Are you sure they live like that ?
Maybe most people do ...

I hear:
First of all, Sylvia from Milvia says, 'Hi'.

Childhood-Story:
1949-50 two, six week summers at Silver Pines Camp, 30 miles east of Redding
First summer I don't pay much attention to the Silver Belt Buckle competition.
We collect points for every kind of 'sporting' event over the summer.
We fish, swim, shoot, horse, clean, and big-points! = find an Indian Arrowhead.
Second summer,
I know I can win it if I find an arrowhead in the final days - our totals are posted.
There's a small small lake half a mile over the hill. I get permission to hike over.
Lost Lake is 100 yards long rock-stone shore the length - other side, banks.
I .hands-n-knees. back-n-forth . for three hot-dry hours.
This feeling of "I'm-gonna-find-it" has been with me since '38. I know it well.
Just have to keep on Truckin'.
Hour number four I find my no-doubt Indian Arrowhead.
Two and a half inches, brown-gray, shallow-notched-sculpted to it's point.
Two times I lie face down and cry out loud at my camp:
..Alone in the woods, stick-leader-fly-cool-mossy-creekside. my first fish.
..Alone in the rocks and stones with the Arrowhead.

Walked and hunted for three hours today
Not one single picture taken
This has happened before
Like two days agoIt's always exercise

I hear:
... She's ballin' him right now ...

I hear:
... four years ago I woulda gone back and burned the house down.
Not anymore.

APPROPRIATION- a Buddy !
I know people who Wikipedia:
appropriation

I hear:
Please don't touch. He is our friend.

Every time I go out to photograph
I tell myself, .I ought to be able to
find possible pictures in any and every
'environment' I pass through, damn it !
What's wrong, Billy Boy ?!
Nothin'.I just can't will myself to find a picture.Something grabs me - I grab it !

I hear:
... if you act right now ...

I hear:
... I love people who do that ...

It occurs to me that you all may have small knowledge of my relationship with my brother since '40.

In the presence of his health situation, and given our familial relationships, this may interest you.

There was some sibling stuff, we fought a bit. 

I knew he was more likable.  The parents knew it - ok.

As kids we rarely played together - didn't share friends or interests.  Not much in common.

I played mostly with older kids.  We didn't hang out at schools.  He went to a different jr hi.

Went to summer day camps alone - went 6 weeks to Silver Pines at 11 and 12 years old. 

Went away to Midland for 10th and 11th grades - went into the army after 1 yr at PCC.
I always had jobs - spent small time at home.

Went to Berkeley and Cal in '61.  We had USPS and phones - no social media.  

We didn't appear to care much what each other did over all the years.  I believe we didn't.

One doesn't know what effects 'changes' will present.  

When the father died it meant nothing - dead to me since '38. 

When mom went down it was natural to help my sister deal in my small ways - only 7 weeks.

Mom was also very entertaining as she went.  It was a quiet emotional experience for me.

My life with mom had used up the sub & noisy stuff over the years.  

We were never hugs-close.  Cerebral sharing we did ok.

Now, I don't well understand his diagnosis and prognosis. I do have the general picture.

He trusts you - his daughter and son - to navigate for him.  

I assume he is way more upset and fearful than he presents.

If I can get thru timing and phone issues I call him once a week. 

Talking to him is what you know it to be.

I have always hoped the best for him.

I am not you.  Sincerely Bill.   04/01/14

Childhood-Story:
1938-1955 Play-Sports-Buddies
Save my life

Robbe-Grillet, Duras, Beckett,
"Women & Fiction" Anthology,Boll, Pancake, Michaels, Banks, Et Al !
Love 'em - bet I couldn't pass an exam
Loved my Lit class at Cal - flunked it
It's in here somewhere

Childhood-Story:

1943 WWII Time

I go to neighborhood mail boxes and collect for two weeks.

People start asking around about missing mail.

In my secret hideout I have letters from sons in the War.

I tell them, "I think I found your letters".
It takes me 'til 1945 to say, "Sorry" to the soldier next door.

I hear:
... that's the problem ... tooth pulled ... drank last night ...
had a couple beers this morning ... I'm not! ...

I photograph the way I always have
Walk .Look ...
Walk .Look . ..Release
Walk .Look.. . Release
Walk .Look
Release is good

Childhood-Story:

1942 Vivid

Building-digging a trench fort in our backyard.

I hit Frank in the head with the hoe - 2" gash, bloody.

He's recovering in his crib after doctoring.

I tell myself, . 'this is no accident'.

Nancy Nick Esther Bill Monet Moses '07

The BILLDANE.COM:
Nick and I start building this Website in April '07.  
At the point I want to control some ingredients
I poked around "Blogger", the builder site,
and slowly I'm building PET MONSTER and UNITE!
and THE PHOTO ALBUM.

I hear:
... you know, this tastes just like candy.

Childhood-Story:
1968 In the hallway at U.C.
Kitaj finds me in the hall with two big paintingsafter sitting-in for our graduate seminar.
"Best stuff I've seen on the west coast, Bill.
You know, the heroics of what you're doing was
accomplished by Kandinsky and Mondrian."By late '69 this makes sense to me too.
I get a camera and teach myself to walk and look and see.

Childhood-Story:
1967 my painting studio on Mt Diablo
I'm teaching at Berkeley High.Three of us do a 6 session "District Seminar"
with Herb Kohl and Allan Kaprow
planning 'new-life' for the Schools.
(They fire me for staging lunchtime "Happenings" in the courtyard)
((The Union! gets my job back))
Kaprow visits my paintings,
" ... Bill, best painting I've seen out here in the west. ..."
Loved that Seminar !

I street-hear:
... my Mom plans to get something
as big or bigger than we have right now.

Thank You very much for the Visit !.
And again,
I hope that my sense of this life in the form of these pictures

turns out to be worth sharing.

!حياة. Dure! . 生命!.Maisha!.जीवन!. Liv!..Saol!
Kehidupan! زندگی! Lewe! ชีวิต! Bywydau! לייווז!
жизнь! Buhay! ζωή! Leben! Vi! .Cuộc sống!Vida! .Vita!

Got to ..K.E.E P .O N .T R U.C.K I.N' . . .