Childhood-Story:

1944 1st grade Mrs. Marchand

Perfect rows. Facing teacher, I'm far right in back.

Raise my hand to go to the bathroom. "Not now, Billy".

Three more times, "Not now, Billy !""Not Now, Billy !!""NOT NOW, BILLY !!!"

I feel the warm running over my legs. Wet pants. Big puddle.

I leave the room.. Can't remember coming back.

I read Janet's "Staircase of Roots" again
suspended reality and wrote this:
She greets Ess, "Sweetheart"all the time
I feel a mixed thing
jealous..good . fun
"Sweetheart", I text Nancy
why not sooner
Standing right here with Her
"Sweetheart", I try out loud
once . in fun

Childhood-Story:
1950s "Don't pooh-pooh The Groo"From the daily back n forth of our '50s 'crew'.
I don't remember anyone ever identifying"The Groo".

BILL MOYERS JOURNAL
Derivatives, etc ...
We're cooked pawns

I hear:
... you're gonna need a bucket an' a mop ...

TOD PAPAGEORGE Lecture at ICP

Childhood-Story:

1947

Donnie Goode eats worms.

Once, I ask him to do it.

He does. . I'm heart-sick. . Never again.

POETRY
Janet Winans' book
"STAIRCASE OF ROOTS"
Off The Grid Press
My cover

JAY SMOOTH in NYC "illdoctrine1" aka "nildoctrine"

Childhood-Story:

1949 "The Spanking"

Can't remember what I did.

He tells me to lie on my bed.

Picks the bench up over his head.

Hits me three times on my butt.

I call him a bastard and try squeezing-hard not to cry.

Today is Monday, September 29, 2009
Nick and I really ''finished'' the Website
Let down comin' ?!.
We'll just ease on down the line . . .
and go tweak it again

I hear:

Your group could start on the top floor

and my group could start on the bottom, ..or. ...

Vietnam and into our future:
No Draft = More Wars.
Ironic.
Norman Mailer knew it then !

Warning!
The .BILL VIDEOS

I hear:... He thought it was a little bit mo' down than it was ...

I hear:
You're makin' me hit people with this

Childhood-Story:

1940s SilverPines Camp and Sleep-Overs

It's not fun if you wet your bed.

Camp, at night and in the morning, goes real badly.

Cabin-Buddy. Heine Kuechler's compassion saves two summers:

"Don't worry, Billy.. We'll just hang it up to dry"

And we hang it up a lot.
In 7th grade I stay awake all night at Cutler's to escape the demon.

The father leaves our house - the demon goes with.

I hear:
... Pretty soon there 'r frogs everywhere ...

Childhood-Story:

1945 Frankie's Accident

I'm playing in the backyard.

Frank is 5, takes my bike and rides off around the corner.

People are yelling and hollering.

We run down the block to find him lying in the street.

All our neighbors are there.

My father screams at me , "Go home Billy. Go home. Get out of here."

Two weeks later Frank comes out of the coma.

I teach him how to walk and talk again.

I don't remember the father being there.

I hear:
... she has a 2 year old biting, biting, biting
the shit out of his big sister ...

Childhood-Story:
1938-2010
I stop wetting my bed the day he leaves for sure.
He has another family and a daughter.I am "estranged" from my father real early.Why else do I block, put-out-of-my-mind
and find stored way beyond everyday retrieving
the fact that my half sister Sarah is murdered.

BECKETT:

" ... after long vain reckonings the head falls back among the data."

from "Mercier and Camier"